\\\\ARE YOU SUPERBAD////
THE XX – INTRO
THE BAR KEYS – TOO HOT TO STOP
THE ROOTS – HERE I COME
KC AND THE SUNSHINE BAND – I’M YOUR BOOGIE MAN
JEREMY JAY – IN THIS LONELY TOWN
THE AMBOY DUKES – JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF YOUR MIND
FOALS – THIS ORIENT
MGMT – BRIAN ENO
THE REMAINS – WHY DO I CRY
PUBLIC ENEMY – LOST AT BIRTH
AU REVOIR SIMONE – KNIGHT OF WANDS
WE ONLY SAID – EIGHTY-SIXED
HOUSSE DE RACKET – FORTY LOVE
JENS LENKMAN – MAPLE LEAVES (7’’ editions)
TTC – DE PAUVRES RICHES
MAJOR DOLBY – MARCELLO COME HERE
THE DIVINE COMEDY – TONIGHT WE FLY
Fogell: I got a boner!
Fogell: Yo guys! Sup?
Seth: Fogell, where have you been, man? You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what?
Fogell: No noooo, man. I got it; it is flawless. Check it!
Evan: [examining the fake ID] Hawaii. All right, that’s good. That’s hard to trace, I guess. Wait… you changed your name to… McLovin?
Evan: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?
Fogell: Naw, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.
Seth: And you landed on McLovin…
Fogell: Yeah. It was between that or Muhammed.
Seth: Why the FUCK would it be between THAT or Muhammed? Why don’t you just pick a common name like a normal person?
Fogell: Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once.
Evan: Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammed?
Fogell: Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?
Seth: No, that’s why you picked a dumb fucking name!
Fogell: Fuck you.
Seth: Gimme that. All right, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn’t even have a first name, it just says « McLovin »!
Evan: What? One name? ONE NAME? Who are you? Seal?
Seth: Fogell, this ID says that you’re 25 years old. Why wouldn’t you just put 21, man?
Fogell: Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face: every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with fake IDs, and every single one says they’re 21. Pssh, how many 21 year olds do you think there are in this town? It’s called fucking strategy, all right?
Evan: Stay calm, okay? Let’s not lose our heads. It’s… it’s a fine ID; it’ll… it’s gonna work. It’s passable, okay? This isn’t terrible. I mean, it’s up to you, Fogell. This guy is either gonna think ‘Here’s another kid with a fake ID’ or ‘Here’s McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiian organ donor’. Okay? So what’s it gonna be?
Fogell: [grinning] … I am McLovin!
Seth: No you’re not. No one’s McLovin. McLovin’s never existed because that’s a made up dumb FUCKING FAIRY TALE NAME, YOU FUCK!
Seth: Its like a three thing… its like ball, dick, ball.
Evan: It’s like a division sign…
Evan: You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean that could be anything, it could be a bowling site.
Seth: Yeah, but it doesn’t actually show dick going in which is a huge concern.
Evan: Right, I didn’t realize that.
Seth: Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?
Seth: [shakes his head] Not for me.
Officer Michaels: Yeah McLovin, how is it going with the ladies?
Fogell: It’s not the « going » I’m worried about… but the « coming ».
Officer Slater: McLovin? Were you violating that young girl? Were you violating her with your penis?
Seth: You know when you hear girls say ‘Ah man, I was so shit-faced last night, I shouldn’t have fucked that guy?’ We could be that mistake!
Becca: I’m so wet right now.
Evan: Yeah… they said that would happen in health class.
Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.
Seth: What? That’s like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
Evan: She had back problems, man.
Seth: [imitating Becca] Oh Evan, thank you for bringing that lube for my pussy. I never would’ve been able to handle your four inch dick inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube.
Seth: You don’t want girls to think you suck dick at fucking pussy.
Seth: I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she’s never here, and I don’t get twice the grades for doing all the work.
Teacher: I didn’t invent odd numbers, Seth.
Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.
Evan: [His partner is tying on his apron] Hey, don’t keep me waiting much longer, I’m getting impatient up here.
Seth: I’m over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and it’s B.S. – excuse my language. I’m just saying that I wash and dry; I’m like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke – no offense – it’s just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it’s bullshit – and I’m sorry. I’m not putting down your profession, but it’s just the way I feel. I don’t want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food – no offense – and I just think that I don’t need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There’s three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin’ break! I’m sorry for cursing.
Teacher: All right, Jules’ partner isn’t here either, pair up with her, station four.
Seth: Jules? Alright I’ll give it another shot – give home-ec another shot.
Jules: You scratch our backs, we’ll scratch yours.
Seth: Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it’s located on my cock.
Evan: Calm down, calm down. She likes you. She wants to suck on your penis. That’s a good thing. It’s the best.
Becca: I am gonna give you the best blow J ever… with my mouth.
Seth: Dude! That means that by some fate we were paired together and she thought of me. Thought of me enough to want me to be responsible for the entire funness of her party! She wants to fuck me! She wants my dick in and around her mouth!
Fogell: What’s it like to have a gun?
Officer Michaels: It’s like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.
Seth: You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.
Seth: Nobody has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since ‘nam!
Officer Michaels: Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!
Seth: When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem. And it’s not even that big of a deal, something like 8 percent of kids do it. For some reason, I don’t know why. I would just kinda… sit around all day… and draw pictures of dicks.
Seth: Draw pictures of dicks.
Evan: Dicks? Like a man dick?
Seth: Yes. Like a man dick.
[while you see Seth when he was a kid]
Seth: I’d just sit there hours on end drawing dicks. I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t touch the pen to the paper without drawing the shape of a penis.
Evan: That’s fucked.
Seth: No shit. It’s really fucked up. Here I am. A little kid. And I can’t stop drawing dicks to save my own life.
[you see the kid Seth draw a lot of different dicks on different sheets of paper and see a gallery of his drawings one by one]
Evan: Alright, I mean… I just don’t see what this has to do with Becca.
Seth: Just listen. Okay?
[you see the kid Seth in a classroom]
Seth: Your precious little Becca sat next to me for all of fourth grade. And in the classroom was where I did the majority of my illustrations. I was very secretive about this whole dick operation. Even I thought I was fucking crazy. Imagine what everyone else would think? So I would stash all my dick drawings in this Ghostbusters lunchbox that I had. So one day, I’m finishing up this real big, veiny, triumphant bastard, all of a sudden…
[walks by the kid Seth and pushes his notebook and his dick drawing off the desk, and it lands near kid Becca]
Evan: You hit Becca’s foot with your dick?
Seth: Yeah. I know.
[kid Becca picks up the drawing he just did, looks at it for a second, sees that it’s a dick, and screams her head off and runs to the teacher]
Seth: She starts crying, she flips out. Then she rats me out to the principal. He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox dick treasure chest and he fucking flips out.
[you see more of his dick drawings one by one]
Seth: He calls in my parents. Turns out this principal is a religious fanatic, and he thinks I’m possessed by some sort of dick devil. My parents go make me see some therapist, and he’s asking me all these dick questions. They literally stopped me from eating foods that were shaped like dicks. No hot dogs, no popsicles… You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.
Evan: Well, I don’t… That’s really messed up. Supergay.
Seth: [referring to Evan’s mother] I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
Evan: Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad’s dick.
Seth: Look at those nipples.
Evan: They’re like little baby toes. It’s just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know… and like, I have to hide every erection I get.
Evan: Just imagine if girls weren’t weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That’s the world I one day want to live in.
Seth: You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
Officer Michaels: McLovin?
Officer Michaels: Great name.
Officer Slater: It is, it just rolls of the tongue.
Officer Michaels: ‘Sounds like a sexy hamburger!
Seth: Hey, man, I was doing some research for next year and I think I figured out which website I wanna subscribe to. The Vag-Tastic Voyage.
Gym Teacher: Evan, get into the game.
Evan: Kick it over… to me.
Gym Teacher: Seth, get off the field!
Evan: Dude, get out of here. There gonna make me run laps again.
Seth: Dude, just fuckin’ listen ok. Jules and her stupid fuckin’ friend came up to me and they ask me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to fuck me, she wants my dick in and around her mouth.
Evan: Did you ever think that she’s just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn’t want your dick?
Seth: No, she’s got an older brother and she could’ve asked him but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said ‘Seth, Momma’s making a pubi salad and I need some Seth’s Own dressing.’ She’s D.T.F. – down to fuck man. P and Vagi, she wants to
[kicks soccer ball]
Seth: fuck man! Tonight is a night that fucking is an actual possibility.
Evan: You just sound like an idiot, you’re not gonna be able to sleep with her man.
Seth: No… dude, I don’t want to talk a lot of shit OK. But she’s gonna be at the party, and she’s gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least I’ll make out with her, two weeks hand job, month blow job, whatever whatever. And then, I make her my girlfriend. And I’ve got like two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around I’ll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.
Evan: K can you just get out of hear and we’ll talk about this later?
Greg the Soccer Player: What the fuck Evan we’re down two points!
Evan: Fuckin’ calm down Greg, it’s soccer, it’s soccer.
Greg the Soccer Player: Fuck you man.
Seth: Hey Greg, why don’t you go piss your pants again?
Greg the Soccer Player: That was like eight years ago asshole.
Seth: People don’t forget.
[turning back to Evan]
Seth: You wanna hear the best part? Becka! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shit faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as highschool people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becka in coming up with this plan.
Evan: I should buy Becka alcohol?
Evan: Yeah, man that will be pimp! That way you know she’ll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying like ‘ahh I was so shit faced last night I shouldn’t have fucked that guy,’ we could be that mistake!
Evan: Have you talked to Fogell?
Seth: Alright, you talk to Becka. I’ll talk to that retard Fogell. Don’t worry.
Gym Teacher: [Blows whistle] Seth, get off the field!
Seth: [Kicks soccer ball into the stands] Goal!
Gym Teacher: You’re getting that!
Seth: No I’m not.
Seth: This plan’s been fucked since Jump Street.
Officer Michaels: Everyone should hold a gun at least a couple times.
Fogell: Chicka chicka yeah!